What's girth got to do with it?

I have a question. If God designed us to procreate, why does he make it so damn hard? There's a fine line between satisfying and terrifying in the penis-size department, and a man who will fit you perfectly is increasingly hard to find.

A guy could be funny, driven, great with your friends and so pretty it hurts….but all of this just won't compensate if you have to spend the next two days confined to the loo in cystitis hell, making your friends bring you food and drag the TV into the hallway so that you don’t die of boredom.

So my question is, why? Why is it that a man and a woman can be perfectly suited emotionally, but a complete mis-match physically? I like to think of it like the tale of Goldilocks - that perhaps it’s God’s way of encouraging women to sleep in as many beds as it takes for us to find one that is “just right”.

However, without disrespecting his fine work - because there are a number of excellent penises out there - I can’t help but wonder whether God was a tad over-ambitious on the odd occasion. According to the Guinness Book of Records, the largest recorded human penis was 18 inches long. 18 INCHES!? That’s the length of my arm. It is also, incidentally, the average distance from your brain to your heart, which according to some Christians means that it’s also the distance from Earth to Heaven. Now, I’m sorry to disagree with such spirituality, but there is NOTHING heavenly about an 18inch penis attempting to penetrate an average-sized housing facility.

But we can hardly blame men for being overly-endowed, as it really isn't their fault. Unfortunately, this does not help us much. In fact, it leaves us with really no choice - when faced with a particularly daunting erection - but to moan, gasp, writhe around in pleasure and pretend that we are having the time of our lives…anything to make him come as quickly as humanly possible and end the whole sorry affair. Of course there are alternatives, but I'd imagine a blow job would be even more of a strain, and I'm not sure that “you're not bringing that thing anywhere near me” would go down quite so well.