Only a true friend

I’ve just about had it. Almost every time I check my inbox nowadays, I’m plagued with those gruesome emails entitled ‘Only a true friend’. You know the ones I’m talking about – they’re usually covered in pictures of teddy bears holding hands and present you with a list of things that “only a true friend would do”. Now, excuse my French, but I’ve never read such bullshit. Most of the items on these lists are things I’d happily do for my boss’s Gran or someone in the queue at Sainsbury’s.

They’re sayings like “Make you smile when you’re blue” or “Be your shoulder to cry on”, the first of which is just common decency and as for the latter – If you count the number of drunk strangers I’ve comforted in the ladies loos I must be an AMAZING friend!

So in an attempt to end this propaganda once and for all I’ve started to compile my own, accurate list of things which only a true friend would do – all suggestions welcome...

Only a true friend would...

1. Not judge you for eating something that’s fallen on the floor
   
2. Accompany you to the GUM clinic, even if they don’t need to go
   
3. Admit they’ve forgotten your birthday
   
4. Stay up all night to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit
   
5. Call when you’re lying in bed with a one night stand to play the opening bars of ‘Let’s get it on”
   
6. Show you the extent of her pubic hair to make you feel better about yours
   
7. Fein interest in the 100th photo of your nephew at his 5th birthday party
   
8. Grope your boobs for no reason
   
9. Watch you file your feet
   
10. Keep you company when you’re stuck on the loo with cystitis
    
11. Let you use the last of her batteries
    
12. Deliberately try to catch your eye in a situation when it would be really inappropriate to laugh