The Perfect Brazillian

The saying goes, when one door closes another opens. This is particularly true of re-locating: as soon as the search for the perfect apartment ends, the search for the perfect brazillian wax begins.

It's always a struggle to spot the difference between someone who will make you pornstar smooth and someone who'll leave you looking like a plucked chicken that has been bashed about a bit. Price is usually a reliable guide, but you can never be too careful and besides, we spend hours shopping around for the perfect pair of shoes to dress our feet, why not show our nether-regions the same courtesy?

And once you've found the perfect person, I find your relationship with them develops in the same way as a sexual one: At the beginning there is politeness, consideration, attractive underwear and paper thongs. But five months down the line you're whipping off your granny pants and plonking yourself down, spread-legged and ready for action. It's very much a get in, get out mentality.

And of course there's discovering the different positions you may have to manoveur yourself into to please your new partner. During sex, there's one moment when you both know it's time for a change of position; during a wax there's the moment when all the front has been removed, raising the dreaded question: "How is she going to do the back?" And it's usually the case that the more humiliating the position, the more effective it is. There's the traditional leg-over-the-head approach, the up-on-all-fours and of course lying on your back, with your knees hugged to your chest like a small child.

But there's one particular request which will haunt me forever. Having plied my ever-reddening front with handfuls of soothing lotion, my then-beautician turned to me and oh so casually requested that I lye face down and firmly hold my cheeks apart. I almost cried - mainly for me, but also for the poor girl waxing me. I'd have to be paid a hefty salary to attend to that all day long.

So I think it's safe to say I have some exciting times ahead. Bring on the search!